Monday, October 24, 2011

Dr. Stewlove: or How I Learned to Turn off F-book and Start Blogging

I really won't have anymore time to blog now than I did before I shut down the f-book. Law school ensures that my paucity of free time is spent reading judicial decisions. It's gotten so bad that "The Hobbit" has become my toilet book. You may scoff at this for many reasons, but let us be frank here for a moment.

The toilet is the most comfortable seat in the house. It allows your nooks and crannies an opportunity to escape their confinement; I believe that there is an inverse relationship between the wearing of trousers and the power to contemplate the sublime (it is this relationship that makes wearing a kilt a necessity for deep thinkers). No one wants to disturb you on the toilet...or at least not me (this is both from the stink and the lack of kids). Lastly, the longer you spend on the loo the less likely people are to bother you about it (I'll leave it to your mind contemplate the full import of that sentence).

That said most people find it rather disturbing to talk about their toilet books. It has become so taboo that the N.S.A.T.R. (the National Society for the Advancement of Toilet Reading (It's a thing, seriously)) has released a study saying that 83% of all reading is now being done in bed and using a kindle. This movement from the toilet to the bedroom has caused an epidemic of both constipation and bed sores. It's time that we all turn this tide, grab a book, and settle down for a prolonged poo.

This just goes to show two things. First, if the most creative writing you do in over a year regards the application of U.S. naturalization law to a Nazi war-criminal, you lose your muse and end up writing about defecation. Secondly, Facebook is a giant societal dookie.

I knew you missed my blog posts.

~The First


Jen said...

I'm a little embarrassed to tell you that I enjoyed this post. Thanks for sharing the clip. I'm married to a toilet reader and it gave great insight. :)

Megan, John and kids said...

yes, I did miss your blog posts, and this one has "Stew" written all over it, I also have to give you props for the title

Lempskies said...

I'm so glad I never gave into the temptation to join "F-book". Blogging seems better suited for you anyway, Stew. It allows you to be far more analytical & verbose than facebook permits and faciliates witty or thoughtful feedback in return. Readers don't just click "like". They type an insult or two along with an expression of their amusement.

Lempskies said...

ps- Aren't Scalia's dessents great to read? Even if you don't agree with him (which I image would be more often than not for you) they are still enjoyable.