Thursday, July 16, 2009

I Will Run 3.5 Miles and I Will Drive 1000 More

I am the world's worst liar. Wife can tell if I'm trying to lie to her before I even start (For the record none of these lies are malicious, they are the type designed to protect marriage. You will be able to read more about them in my forthcoming book "What she don't know won't hurt me: how to lie to your wife, save your marriage, and protect your man parts".) For this reason I don't gamble, I won't run for public office, and I certainly confess to any crime for which the police approach me. Actually I'm so afraid they'd pummel me with their batons that I'd confess to assassinating Lincoln. There must be something Freudian about that....

In any case this also means that I don't bluff. Yet twice last month I did bluff and learned my lesson as both were called. Time number one went something like this:

Wife: So I'm doing a 3.5 mile road race with my co-workers, you want to join my team?
Husband (distracted by TV): Sure honey that'd be great.
Wife (Surprised): Great I'll go sign us up (exits)
Husband (suddenly refocused and to Max the cat): Something terrible just happened didn't it?
Max: (Licks himself)

For the record I beat Wife in the race and did it in 36 minutes or so. Wohoo me!

Second bluff:
Brother: So there's a festival in D.C. in a couple weeks where the Offspring are playing (Please note that Brother, despite his advanced years (40) is a huge Offspring fan), if you drive I'll buy the tickets.
Me: Cool let's do it.
Me (aside): He'll never buy the tickets.
Two weeks later.
Brother: Okay I ordered the tickets, what time do you want to leave?
Me: *@#&#(@*!(@

The concert was fun, they gave out free samples of chili. The bands were a bit harder than I'm used to but quite entertaining. Also I did the Albany to DC drive in under 6 hours, Google maps says it should take 6:19! I was quite psyched about that.

The funny part about the concert was that Wife and I had gone down to DC just the week before to celebrate our anniversary. That was a lot of driving. Of course it pails in comparison to our latest trip but more on that when I'm awake. Stupid insomnia.

In the meantime here's some robot chicken to entertain you. Yes it's old but I still think it's funny.

2 comments:

Roy said...

I'm just as bad a liar. I suppose there are worse things...like being a good liar.

jlbunting.com said...

I'm a little behind on my blog reading and I'm looking at the mobile version so I can't watch your video, thank goodness! Robot Chicken, huh? That is one of the reasons we don't have tv, so my husband is not able to watch Adult Swim. His favorite is ATHF. Help me!!