Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Yarr! A Pirates Life for Me.

I like to think of myself as a pirate. I like to think that I too could pillage my way through the isles of the Caribbean. I like to think that I can handle both a sabre and a small flintlock, I did grow up in the sticks so I have some experience with fire arms. I like to think if I needed to I could bare having my leg amputated with no more anesthetic than a bottle of whiskey and a musket ball to bite down on. Most importantly, I know I'd look good in a puffy shirt and an eye patch (which means I think I could also be a soap star but that's another post entirely).

Now the one thing that I do have going for me is a proclivity toward rather colourful verbosity. Indeed the standard interlocutor might be deceived into assuming that I spent time in a French jail. Why a French and not a Turkish jail you ask? Well it's because I learned to "city-drive", not in the mean streets of New York; my New York mean streets were typically not paved and often booby-trapped with cows. Instead I learned in the very narrow and very crazy streets of France. As a result of dodging maniacs speeding through the Arc de Triomphe, for road rage my cursing reflects the anger of a man who uses cologne as deodorant.

Wife has fought a noble, and one could argue feeble, battle against this propensity. For the most her oft used statement of "they can't hear you" has tended to dull my anger and coarser habits while driving. However sometimes things slip out over which I have little control. I submit to you three scenarios and ask for your opinion on them.

1. Doing dishes you randomly grab a can that is in the sink to be rinsed off for recycling, because you love the earth of course. In so doing you give yourself a nice deep cut that is the flesh wound equivalent of the Grand Canyon. While you're too manly to go for stitches, are you justified in the loud profanity that you're sure your dead grandmother heard in the next county over?

2. During a nice leisurely walk on a Sunday afternoon you stop to help a motorist push start their car. As they speed away you step on a rusty nail the size of the Eiffel Tower which easily passes through the sole of your flip flop and firmly embeds itself into the bridge of your foot. Can you explain away to your wife that you didn't say what she thinks you said?

3. You're in church and one of the teenage boys who's trying to impress the girls by pretending to dunk, runs by and pulls your arm out of its socket. Does your "Son of a ...." in front of 20 youth and the bishop mean you're doomed to hellfire and brimstone?

I guess the moral of the story is that since I already swear like a pirate I might as well get the eye patch.


I've even got the sneer down.


Okay that's a totally old photo but it worked with my overall narrative. Thanks for bearing with me and now I go to bed.



And here's another relatively obscure video for your perusal:

14 comments:

Andrea said...

1. Yes (as long as the kids weren't around)
2. Don't even bother explaining away--your wide ain't no dummy!
3. My husband ended up doing this once and ended up getting called into the bishopric (just beware)!

Coops said...

You know ... I am not even a fan of swearing in a different language ... the saying 'sticks and stones may break your bones but worlds will never harm you', doesn't work around me, at least not if you swear directly at me using one of the more vulgar terms, people do get hurt by me, I have given a few broken noses, dozens more bloody noses, and a few muzzle shunts both in paintball and laser tag when sworn at directly ... just so as you are warned ... that said I do normally give a warning before hand, and it is only a second offence that feels my wrath. I have even fired a person with a persistent dirty mouth (for un-professionalism).

That said there seems to be a divide on lower level vulgarities; in that, some words can be offensive to some, whilst not to others, I struggle more with these and therefore am more tolerant of others on those ones.

As for in front of the bishop, in my view it is just another handy weapon (amongst growing long hair, not being clean shaven, and going on regular weekend trips out of your ward), in an arsenal to avoid callings with any serious responsibility and headaches ;)

museumeg said...

Stew, you crack me up! What is it about pain that makes the profanity fly? I think Stewart sounds like a good pirate's name. As for the puffy shirt and eye patch...I think we're going to need to see that.

p.s. what time is the game on Saturday?

dastew said...

In my defense I don't usually swear at people. That's just rude. Mostly I just swear as a consequence of pain or for comic effect. As to the bishopric thing, bite your tongue Andrea! I dread that.

The game's at 6pm Meagan. Get there a bit earlier we're grilling.

La Yen said...

All justified.

Still, I have replaced most of them with "Son of a gun" because Jooj is in that repeating phase. And you know I don't need that at primary. It is enough that she yells "Sununagun!!" all the time...

One of my friends was being dropped off at work and a car passed her husband on the right, nearly hitting her 9 month pregnant belly. When her husband picked her up that night, her 3 year old said "Mommy! That bitch almost killed you!"

La Yen said...

PS I would TOTALLY watch that soap. I bet it would have midget he/shes!

Roy @ CNM said...

First of all, anyone who wears flip-flops could never be a decent pirate. Secondly, a good marriage is based in part on common views regarding profanity. When we wed, Summer's favorite cuss word was one of my least used, but I now utter it ("it" rhymes with "it," by the way) more than any of my old, single-guy standbys. So figure out what my sister likes to say and the two of you can cuss together. And if she doesn't swear, well then , you're not doing enough stuff wrong to warrant it. There, marriage advice from me...

Kristi said...

Ryan cannot wait for the day when he hears me swear, he thinks it will be the funniest thing ever I guess.

Summer said...

Stew, you can't go around claiming you could be a soap star without first giving yourself a good soap star name...no Clint or Beau, either, that's a cop out.
Also, you are always justified to swear, in the case of pain. But, you have to do it a little more under your breath when children are around.

gk said...

3. If you didn't run after the son of a ..... with something blunt in hand, thats a tick in the going-to-heaven column.

Astrid said...

I swear in Swedish sometimes, but I don't really say that I hate anything in Swedish because hate is such a strong word. I will however use the word hate in English, I never used to, I think I started because Caleb uses it a lot. I never really swear in English though. I know this isn't answering your questions, but it's interesting how I use English and Swedish so differently.

I would love to see a picture of you with an eye patch. :)

Jon and Chelle said...

We use 'ear muffs' if we have to swear and tinkerbelle is in the room. we'll run over and cover her ears so she doesn't hear.

mr. jo bloggity said...

Totally unjustified in all cases.

1. You need to pay more attention to what you are doing.

2. Service is supposed to be focused on other people, not yourself.

3. Time to hit the gym and get into better shape to avoid sports injuries.

Also, I never ever swear and so I'm personally offended by this entire post. Maybe it's good we have some distance.

Smathers House of Girls said...

Well, Nate wants to be a pirate too...or at least have a pirate ship so you would already have a pirate friend...with a ship. That would save you a TON of money on your pirate dream.