Sunday, July 27, 2008

The Lost Boy Scout

If he were alive today Norman Rockwell would be arrested as a pedophile. Take the following painting as a prime example to prove my point.

As disturbing as I find the above image, it is not the most disturbing of his paintings. Why would that be you ask? Well that's a great question thank you for asking. First because all of his paintings seem unnaturally happy. Let's face it most people struggle through the drudgery of the daily grind just hoping to get home to watch a little tv, eat a little food (a lot of food in America), and dream about telling their boss exactly where to put their job. NO ONE is as happy as the individuals that Rockwell painted. No one that is, who's not in a cult, a Stepford Wife, or perhaps enjoying the pleasure of hallucinogenic toad mucus.

Secondly, and from my perspective more disturbing, is his plethora of paintings of that greatest of paramilitary cults, that breeder of arsonists, that inculcater of blind patriotic devotion. Yes I speak of the Boy Scouts of America, the greatest evil society this side of Skull and Bones. There's just something about a bunch of adult men and boys in the woods, wearing thigh high khaki shorts that seems very, very wrong.

Now I know that some of our readers are devoted to the Boy Scouts whole heartedly. Good for you guys. For me, I always felt it attracted the type of people who were most likely to be playing Dungeons and Dragons in their parents basement when they turn 40 years old.

Despite this antipathy toward scouting I find myself involved with them if somewhat remotely and certainly reluctantly. Our church has a scout troop, and for good or ill since I'm involved with the youth group I'm involved with the scouts. Please note for future reference people that if someone asks you if you want to help out with teenagers in any capacity whatsoever, the answer is, NO!

In any event I also happen to be the proud owner of a truck. Wife would tell you it's her truck but that's just silly (The truck is about the only manly thing about me, don't take that away from me). Juxtaposing my truck ownership and my scouting affiliation you can guess my primary role. I'm a mule.

Now from what I can understand, scouting involves being one with nature, cherishing it, and then burning it down. At least I think that's the scout law. The job of the scout leaders is to make sure that the boys don't get near the matches. As such we plan activities that will mitigate the fire risk and encourage physical development and outdoorsiness. Thus we came up with the idea of a spring time mountain biking trip.

Picking up the kids and their bikes we (four adults and five gagillion kids) headed up to the "mountains" for what's listed as a pretty strenuous ride. True to description the rocks were jagged, the tree roots were rooty, and this adult at least was out of shape. We spent a great deal of time pushing our bikes around the trail.

Which was fine because it was just a good day to be out in nature....well except for the five hour delay after the bike ride as we waited for the search and rescue helicopter to find the boy scout we lost. In all fairness, we didn't so much lose him as he lost the trail...and hey at least they didn't start anything on fire.


John, Megan and girls said...

Look on the bright side, now that you've lost one of their children, the parents probably won't want you to have anything to do with scouting anymore. There's always a silver lining.

Blake and Jen said...

Sounds horrible. Hope it wasn't a good kid you almost lost.

museumeg said...

I live in mortal fear of any Scouting calling at church. Although I find the pyrotechnic aspects by far the most enjoyable. Ever hear of Scout Juice?

steph doyle said...

I just love it when you rant!! Ha ha ha! I will do anything with the scouts so long as I don't have to be in primary.

Gretchen said...

Craig had some of his best 4 wheeling on that trip. He was able to go on roads he normally isn't allowed, so he thought it was okay.

Mr Jo Bloggity said...

Scout Juice? I think you mean Girlscout Water. (Which we used quite liberally as scouts *cough*)