Thursday, April 24, 2008

Peer Pressure and Spousal Heart Attacks

For most of my life I have been a wimp when it comes to peer pressure. I remember quite distinctly the time when I was in high school and my best friend dared me to do the "Moo Challenge". This consists of drinking a gallon of milk in an hour.

Given that the average human stomach holds two to four liters of food and that one gallon of liquid is roughly equivalent to four liters of food, you can imagine the difficult position I found myself in. If I was a morbidly obese individual (I'm close but not quite there despite my best efforts) I'd be maxing out my stomach capacity in this challenge. Now at the time I was still a lithe (yes that's right Waldo I was skinny once thank you very much) 130 lbs. Needless to say my body did not appreciate this challenge in the slightest, as demonstrated the fact that I didn't get off the porcelain thrown for several hours afterward..

As this example demonstrates food is for me the ultimate form of peer pressure. For some reason temptations like "The Moo Challenge", "The Pound Challenge", or "The Molleroff" always appeal to me and I'm always cave when faced with these temptations. Let me now talk a bit of the last of these temptations as the first I've explained and the second is self-explanatory.

My time in France was supposedly spent proselyting to spread the Good Word. That said as I was 19-21 during this sojourn I had plenty of time to be a complete moron, as are most 19-21 year old men. Perhaps because of our moronic nature, there's an inevitability when men of this age live together. That is the inevitability of hazing.

Fortunately this hazing is nothing like what college freshmen go through. We were missionaries after all. No, this hazing took a much more benign form. It was known as the Molleroff.

Where did the Molleroff began? None can now say. Its origins are shrouded in the type of mystery usually associated with the Illuminati and the Knights Templar. This probably means that Dan Brown knows the answer but I don't. I do know that the challenge consisted of eating 50 cookies which were coated with chocolate on one side (of course you had to eat them cookie side down, can't spare your tongue at all). As relief during this cookie eating ordeal you had to drink one liter of boxed UHT milk. For those of you unfamiliar with UHT milk, well consider yourselves lucky. It's among the grossest stuff on earth. Having grown up in dairy country I could never get over the fact that this milk could be kept on the counter, in the pantry, or anywhere else until you open it. Milk should be refrigerated, end of story.

In any case, this delectable combination of tongue shredding, stomach expanding cookies and barely palatable milk had to be consumed within one hour and held down for another in order to join the fraternity of Molleroff champions. Missionaries bragged of ridiculous times they achieved in completing the challenge. One told me of finishing it in 8 minutes. I highly doubt it somehow.

Personally, my stomach is not built for this sort of thing, the end result of my Molleroff attempt was not pretty. Oh and our mixing bowl was never quite the same...

Since this unfortunate incident I've vowed not to be swayed by the temptations of others, when it comes to food at least. I will make an exception for the gluttony relating to Chinese buffets (it's a waste of money to only eat one plate!) but by and large I've been good at resisting culinary peer pressure. Indeed, more recently I've found that it's quite enjoyable to exercise peer pressure on others. Especially those who live on that euphoric mixture of adrenaline and Mountain Dew.

It is for this reason that I love our friend John. He does the things that I'm too scared, chicken, or sane to do. I'd be willing to bet that nothing in his life has ever scared him. The fact that his wife hates these sort of things only adds to my joy. Of course him encouraging Wife to do things like skydiving is a drawback, but the reality is that she doesn't need much encouragement to do those sort of things. Something tells me she gets that from her father; I think it was his show of excitement when we told him about her skydiving that clued me in.

In any case our latest adventure with the Coopers wasn't the most dangerous ever, but we did enjoy a lovely picturesque day in Bryce Canyon National Park. That said John's broken hand left him slightly gimpy. So his wife was none to pleased when I pointed out this formation on a cliff face that looked just like the butt groove on a couch and suggested it would make for an outstanding picture. Her displeasure stemmed from the fact that to get to said butt groove, John had to cross about 100 yards of loose avalanche debris which lay at a 60 degree pitch. John of course seeing a great photo opportunity forged across the debris and gave us a wonderful constipated sneer that our children will treasure when they look at our early family vacation photos.

How it is nice to peer pressure someone else. Speaking of which check out this photo of Wife. It's one of my all time favorites (oh I should add that there should probably be a parental advisory notice at this point)

And of course here's the rest to peruse.
Bryce Canyon

Video of the Day: As it's primary season for those of us stateside I thought a little primer in American electoral politics would do us all good.


Astrid said...

UHT milk is the reason McDonald's milkshakes are so gross and also why you should never have milk while flying.

Andrea said...

Aaahh...the good ole' days. Now, I've never heard of any sisters completing this challenge--nor did I know of any who were stupid enough to try! I did do the the flan suck one, though.

Roy @ CNM said...

Great stuff. I too tried the milk challenge, vomiting in the basement of a Heritage Halls building at BYU 45 minutes into it.

In Italy we had a similar thing with boxed milk and cookies, but it was a cutthroat game that blended the rules of golf, bolwing, and competetive eating. I should blog about it sometime. It was truly disgusting...

Cami said...

ewww! was that picture your bowl of barf?! :)
you need to change your feed to display all of your post instead of just the first two lines . . . defeats the glory of a feed.

dastew said...

Yes it is a bowl of barf. I couldn't make it to the bathroom. The worst part was that my missionary companion at the time made me go out and work afterwards.

Jon & Chelle said...

I love Animaniacs! Can't say I so much love milk though.

John, Megan and girls said...

I love the animaniacs, we need an update on the current democratic race. Fortunately, I never was tempted to do the molleroff and frankly I only drank enough boxed milk till my cereal was gone and then it was down the drain. No glory is worth drinking that milk. Oh, and don't have a heart attack, yes this is John actually commenting on a blog, and no hell hasn't frozen over.

Waldo said...


Good post. We are trying to institute the Milk Gallon Challenge here in Kuwait... so try it in 106 degrees (today) or in 126 degrees (a month from now).

Also, got your package. Thanks a ton- it's awesome.

Can you email me? I don't have your address.


-Sexy Shoeless God of War