Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Flat Stanley and the Cactus of Doom

As we previously reported a bit of Flat Stanley's soul was out to avenge his murder by his evil brother and to tell the true story, not the sanitized one his brother put forth in that most vile of mediums, stupid children's literature.

So Stanley flew with Wife and I across the many leagues, furlongs, and other bizarre measurement devices that make up this great land to help him find vengeance.

By the way God gave America to Americans because he knew we were great so he wanted to give us something equally great. Conversely God gave England to the British because he knew they'd be so pasty white they'd need a land filled with rain so they wouldn't get skin cancer. I believe this is discussed in greater detail in one of those books of the Bible no one reads anymore...let's say Habakkuk. If you don't believe the Bible (besides burning in hell next to mass murderers) you just have to see this to know that I'm right.

As I was saying about Stanley, he knew where his brother would have gone. With all the profits from the ridiculous book he'd published, his brother was sure to have gone to Vegas. There's just something about Vegas that attracts both the very rich and the very poor. I think it's the hookers.

Sadly for Flat Stanley, Wife and I had our own plans on this trip. Before we could bring him to meet his day of vengeance we had to visit my grandparents. For those of you who've seen the Godfather (I'm not one of them so this might be a gross misrepresentation) know that before you meet any adversary (preferably with brass knuckles (which is a funny word to spell with a "k")) you have to pay your respects to the Don.

This is exactly what we did. Though through some tragic miscommunication the Don and Dona thought Stanley was a coaster. They thought he was a cute coaster though.

While this was degrading for Stanley nothing prepared him for what happened next. Let me preface this by stating the obvious, all cats are inherently evil. I think everyone knows this, but a little less well known is the fact that all cats can also detect the presence of ghosts, spirits, imps, and republicans with equal clarity and hate them all. Thus the portion of the soul in Flat Stanley called out to the "Family's" cat like flies to roadkill or senior citizens to cruises or southerners to moonshine (the converse relationship would be the French to deodorant, but I couldn't think how to work that into the story).

Before any of us were aware the cat had Stanley in its voracious mandibles. The scream that escaped from Stanley sadly went unheard by any of us because it was only a two dimensional scream, which are inaudible to all but the most active of Dungeons and Dragons players.

Yet fortune favored Stanley in the form of a paper cut. That was after all what he was made of. Slicing into the cat....whom we'll call Mephistopheles for lack of a better name...Stanley made his way back to us. Angrily he gesticulated, mimed, and otherwise tried to communicate his disapproval to us. Interestingly enough, while he was perfectly able to communicate with us in New York, the fact that Arizona and Nevada place are the earthly reflection of hell had robbed him of his voice.

For those of you who doubt me on this one (the Arizona thing) I dare you to go to Arizona in August...you tell me that heat isn't coming from an infernal source.

In any case with the powers of the unholy one robbing him of his voice, and the devil's own feline on his tail, Stanley must have realized the precarious nature of his situation. For he wobbled out of the house trying to flee. Making it to the door he was caught up in an updraft, freedom was near. With a vulgar hand gesture to us and the hellcat he floated away on a godsent wind...only to be impaled by a cactus. Thus ends the sad tale of Flat Stanley.

Okay so that whole thing was ridiculous but it was more fun than saying "we went to the Grand Canyon and Alburqurque for Memorial Day". Anyways if you want to see the rest of our trip photos check them out here.
Vacation 052607-060307

In other news for those of you who are regular readers of our friend at Ten Foot Rabbits, please be aware that he let his domain lapse...his wife tells us that he would forget his own name if his coworkers didn't talk to him everyday. So if you're a reader check him out now at http://tenfootrabbits.blogspot.com/


Coops said...

I don't have the time or immagination for such explanations of our adventures - hence the more boring recounts of where and what we do - I enjoyed the read even if we had to wait a while for part 2! In repsponse to your continued dig at the British - well you are probably right, I'll just keep running away from it, keep an eye out for our next foreign adventure in a few weeks, until then it's camping this weekend!
PS - you need to rotate some of your photos on picasa, I have a stiff neck from trying to look at them the right way!

dastew said...

That dig was just for you coops. You well know that I'd move to England in a heart beat if I found the right job. Even if all my ancestors would mob me once I join them on the otherside...I'm fairly sure that Scots are still Scottish in the afterlife.

Coops said...

You wouldn't enjoy the weather this summer - believe me!

Roy @ CNM said...

Nice pics. Summer wonders, however, why you took more pictures of "some hole in the ground" than you did of the kids. Also, why did Flat Stanley not make an appearance here?

Alissa said...

i guess my question lies in primarily... if you knew it was gonna be so damn hot in AZ, why are you wearing pants?! do you not own shorts? looks like a fabulous time!