Wednesday, August 22, 2007

A Girl and Her Puppy

I had a dog growing up named Whimper. I have finally found a decent replacement named Whimper #2. The only problem is that her owner refuses to give her up even though we both know that she would be happier with me. Fortunately Stewart knows some people who can reunite her with her rightful owners and make sure that the people who stole her are taken care of. Mwahaha.

Seriously, more photos from the past weekend to come.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Flat Stanley and the Cactus of Doom

As we previously reported a bit of Flat Stanley's soul was out to avenge his murder by his evil brother and to tell the true story, not the sanitized one his brother put forth in that most vile of mediums, stupid children's literature.

So Stanley flew with Wife and I across the many leagues, furlongs, and other bizarre measurement devices that make up this great land to help him find vengeance.

By the way God gave America to Americans because he knew we were great so he wanted to give us something equally great. Conversely God gave England to the British because he knew they'd be so pasty white they'd need a land filled with rain so they wouldn't get skin cancer. I believe this is discussed in greater detail in one of those books of the Bible no one reads anymore...let's say Habakkuk. If you don't believe the Bible (besides burning in hell next to mass murderers) you just have to see this to know that I'm right.

As I was saying about Stanley, he knew where his brother would have gone. With all the profits from the ridiculous book he'd published, his brother was sure to have gone to Vegas. There's just something about Vegas that attracts both the very rich and the very poor. I think it's the hookers.

Sadly for Flat Stanley, Wife and I had our own plans on this trip. Before we could bring him to meet his day of vengeance we had to visit my grandparents. For those of you who've seen the Godfather (I'm not one of them so this might be a gross misrepresentation) know that before you meet any adversary (preferably with brass knuckles (which is a funny word to spell with a "k")) you have to pay your respects to the Don.

This is exactly what we did. Though through some tragic miscommunication the Don and Dona thought Stanley was a coaster. They thought he was a cute coaster though.

While this was degrading for Stanley nothing prepared him for what happened next. Let me preface this by stating the obvious, all cats are inherently evil. I think everyone knows this, but a little less well known is the fact that all cats can also detect the presence of ghosts, spirits, imps, and republicans with equal clarity and hate them all. Thus the portion of the soul in Flat Stanley called out to the "Family's" cat like flies to roadkill or senior citizens to cruises or southerners to moonshine (the converse relationship would be the French to deodorant, but I couldn't think how to work that into the story).

Before any of us were aware the cat had Stanley in its voracious mandibles. The scream that escaped from Stanley sadly went unheard by any of us because it was only a two dimensional scream, which are inaudible to all but the most active of Dungeons and Dragons players.

Yet fortune favored Stanley in the form of a paper cut. That was after all what he was made of. Slicing into the cat....whom we'll call Mephistopheles for lack of a better name...Stanley made his way back to us. Angrily he gesticulated, mimed, and otherwise tried to communicate his disapproval to us. Interestingly enough, while he was perfectly able to communicate with us in New York, the fact that Arizona and Nevada place are the earthly reflection of hell had robbed him of his voice.

For those of you who doubt me on this one (the Arizona thing) I dare you to go to Arizona in tell me that heat isn't coming from an infernal source.

In any case with the powers of the unholy one robbing him of his voice, and the devil's own feline on his tail, Stanley must have realized the precarious nature of his situation. For he wobbled out of the house trying to flee. Making it to the door he was caught up in an updraft, freedom was near. With a vulgar hand gesture to us and the hellcat he floated away on a godsent wind...only to be impaled by a cactus. Thus ends the sad tale of Flat Stanley.

Okay so that whole thing was ridiculous but it was more fun than saying "we went to the Grand Canyon and Alburqurque for Memorial Day". Anyways if you want to see the rest of our trip photos check them out here.
Vacation 052607-060307

In other news for those of you who are regular readers of our friend at Ten Foot Rabbits, please be aware that he let his domain lapse...his wife tells us that he would forget his own name if his coworkers didn't talk to him everyday. So if you're a reader check him out now at

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

The Harrowing Tale of Flat Stanley

Flat Stanley had a bad day. First off his brother sabotaged the chalkboard causing it to fall on him and squish him into a paper thin boy. This of course didn't bother him that much since he was anorexic at the time. What bothered him was when his brother found him, Flat Stanley had no way of defending himself. And so his brother rolled him up and used him to swat moths, flies, and most especially wasps. This was quite maddening as now Stanley's frontside, because it was more fun to have Stanley see what he was swatting, was covered with insect guts and blood. Worse was that the wasps didn't like being swatted without a fight. Just because Stanley was essentially two-dimensional it didn't mean he couldn't be stung. Of course when his brother found the wasp nest this meant trouble and pain for Stanley: the central nervous system can evidently fully operate when one's paper thin.

The ultimate insult, well prior to the one later that evening, was when Stanley's brother decided that he'd forestall any claims that Stanley could make regarding his brother's "alleged" culpability in Stanley's sudden two-dimensionalism. Thus, Stanley's brother took Stanley to the local FedEx Kinko's (registered trademark) and had him photocopied several thousand times. With a preformulated letter written from "Stanley's" perspective he sent the monochromatic copies of Stanley across the country to elementary (grammar) schools everywhere. Soon Stanley was heralded as a hero by school children everywhere who read his story and passed photocopies of photocopies of Stanley throughout the earth. In time he became the most downloaded boy in all the world, though this was small consolation to him. For unbeknownst to all the children of Earth, Stanley was no more. His brother had used him to ignite the kindling in their woodstove that same evening.

Despite the fact that Stanley died that night, though some very nice chamomile tea was made using the heat he helped provide, part of his soul was transmitted with each photocopy made at that Kinko's. Stanley's brother failed to recognize that all box stores like FedEx Kinko's steal the souls of those who enter their domains. Thus by photocopying Stanley in an evil corporate store, he actually ensured that his brother soul would live on. It was because of this oversight that I came to discover the true story of Flat Stanley. For I like many others received one of the photocopies; I'm on many grammar school mailing lists, don't ask. It was my Flat Stanley who told me of his main self's sad story.

So sad was Stanley and so terrified of his older brother that Wife and I decided the best way to help him was to take him on vacation. To help him recuperate...and plot his revenge.

Thus the three of us departed on a vacation to the Southwest. Stanley was quite excited to see the massive planes that would carry him to the desert wastelands of Arizona and New Mexico. And so we set out on a trip that would carry Stanley almost the length of the continent and a meeting with be continued.

I'll try to complete the tale of Flat Stanley next week, in the meantime here's another Low video. I will get you all to love them if it kills me or if I run out of video's to link. This is their song called Hatchett. Also please note our new Foxy Tunes signature at the base of this post. This is a feature in the latest FoxyTunes add-on for Firefox. It posts a signature of the song that was playing on the computer when I first start posting. Nice huh? And yes I do like Maroon 5 and yes I am a dude, I don't know why the two seem mutually exclusive.

Now playing: Maroon 5 - Makes Me Wonder
via FoxyTunes