Monday, July 16, 2007
Willy Wanka: Worst Illegal Immigrant Employer According to Feds
In a recent raid of his chocolaty compound, INS agents uncovered the dark side of the chocolate industry. Willy Wonka, international playboy and chocolatier extradorinaire, employs no one but illegal immigrants.
It's true, INS officials learned that the Ooompa Loompa's are not from some backwoods part of West Virginia as previously thought, but that they'd been stolen from all over oompaloompalandistan. Hundreds of undocumented Loompas, or "freaky little people" as they prefer to be called, were found living in cages on the Wonka compound. Many were led away in INS ambulances, as it was uncovered that Mr. Wonka, aka the oompinator, was also running an illegal loompa baiting and oompa fighting ring. Mr. Wonka has been charged with several thousand counts of loompa smuggling, oompa fighting, tax evasion, and oompa porn distribution (that's too disturbing to recount in this expose).
In an even more shocking discovery, UsandCats has uncovered that the federal indictment is merely the tip of the gingerbread house. We can confidently reveal that government labs have just verified that the secret ingredient in Wonka's highly popular product is nothing else but old oompa loompa parts. Evidently Wonka would dispose of "ineffecient" loompas by rendering them down for their body fat which had high levels of sugar. This gave his gobstoppers that gobsmacular kick we all know. More troubling is that artificial coloring giving his chocolate bars wasn't merely brown coloring if you know what we mean. Wonka had no comment when asked for an interview, but rest assured we'll stick to this story like Wonka's delicious everlasting gum (FYI, made of Ooompa snot).
Sorry about that I was really bored. Here's a funny video (warning adult content):