Sunday, February 25, 2007

Death by cat suffocation

So what I have longed suspected has finally been confirmed. Our male cat, known as Maximilian Forbes, the Grey Ghost, or Maxy depending on our mood has it out for me. That's right any minute now I expect him to come into the office and steal my soul, so this might well be my last post. And so I say to you my faithful readers, in case the police ask...

THE CAT DID IT!!!!



Now that we've cleared this up let me explain the events of the last few nights and how I became of this eminent feline plot to do me in. It all started a few days ago during the second snow storm of the year. The cats dislike the snow, as Lilly made clear in our last blog. Not only is it cold and wet (which is entirely too much like taking a bath for either of them) but it disrupts their favorite past time of watching the neighborhood squirrels from the windows. For those of you not familiar with this, squirrels tend to have wild nut chewing parties when the snow flies. We've had to call the cops several times on the one's living in our attic.

In any case Max was rather irritable that he couldn't heckle the squirrels from the guest bedroom window as is his wont because of the snow. I made matters worse by forcing him to suffer the greatest of indignities...taking a picture of him. Please see his reaction to this below:


The eyes are not doctored at all nor are they an effect of the flash. Indeed his eyes glowed yellow at that moment with the evil fire of his soul.

At first I thought little of the anger I had aroused in this king of beasts. Yet last night began what I can only describe as an escalating war of wills. While sitting comfortably on our couch watching a college basketball game with Wife. Max came leaping onto the arms of the couch. The suddenness of his leap surprised me as did the bushiness of his fur. I didn't think much about it but scouted over closer to Wife to give Max ample space on the couch for himself. I called him and patted the cushion for him to join.

What did I receive for my hospitality? Nothing! Well that's not entirely true, I received the cold angry gaze of a psychopathic homicidal cat.

Fearing for my health, I did what any normal person would do. I got up off the couch and moved to the other cushion, safely putting Wife between me and a cat which evidently hates humanity. What happened next? Oh of course the light in his eyes extinguishes, he hops down off the arm rest and nuzzles next to Wife with a loud and contented purr, with the occasional evil eye thrown my way!

Then came today the most affronting of insults. Preparing for a nap in bed I entered the bedroom to join wife who had proceeded me. What did I find there but this scene:


Please notice his left eye, cracked and staring into my soul looking for an opportunity to seize it. As if stealing Wife's love wasn't bad enough! (Here in the narrative is where you'd find in old times that the parchment was stained with my tears for dramatic effect, sadly telling you that loses some of its power)

Well I struck back believe you me. Just now before I began this blog I gave him a bath! Which is why I said at the outset, if I'm dead by morning, remember the cat did it.

Now for something completely different. I know our readership is more than the one person who commented on the last post. Please remember that I am a middle child and need your ratification to increase my self-worth. So comment, comment, comment!!!!!

Video of the week: Again I'm staying American here and going to recommend you pick up the 2005 Death Cab for Cutie (yes that's their name) album Plan, if you haven't done so already. If you don't know who they are here's a wonderful song about death by them...this song is even parent and grandparent safe! Enjoy.

7 comments:

Wife said...

Rest assured that Wife has no knowledge of said plot on Stewart's life. At least nothing that you can prove.

John J said...

Every band slows it down at some point. Can't say it's my favorite by them but it was a cool video.

And... I guess this comment validates your exisitance some too.

Alissa said...

that's right. i'm a faithful follower and blog reader.:D

Panini said...

:) Hmmm. . . you're bringing up some Poe. Remember BLACK CAT?? I love that witchy evil story!

dastew said...

panini...I can honestly say no I don't remember that story. Now "The Telltale Heart"...that I remember.

Panini said...

You need to read this - - and then you need to be very very nice to your cat.
http://bau2.uibk.ac.at/sg/poe/works/blackcat.html

La Yen said...

I don't like cats. They poop in the house. On purpose. Because you trained them to.