Saturday, December 09, 2006

Politics, Home Repair and Jock Itch, Part 3

For the record any mention of a nursery in my last posting was purely accidental and not indicative of any change in our reproductive status. Well at least not that I'm aware of but I'm a man so I'm oblivious to most of my surroundings. That said we really are not yet prepared to enter the world of parenting as we are still conducting research for our upcoming book tentatively titled, "Our Kids Won’t Be Like That: A childless couple’s guide to parenthood".

Here's an excerpt from the introduction:
Experts may disagree on the causes of childlessness among couples. For some, the experts blame infertility with either the man or woman in the relationship (And yet we can go to any tractor pull and see teenage girls with four kids at their hip, life isn't fair). Others couples have the common marital problem of no sex; any married men reading this know what I'm talking about (I mean honestly how many headaches can you have? It's probably from washing your hair all the time). Others face the obvious biological difficulty of being same gender couples.

While all of these factors may play a role in why we as a group haven’t "multiplied and replenished the earth" there are two underlying reasons that biologists, sociologists, and doctors have missed.

The first and most important reason for not having children is quite simply this; we’re all saving for a boat! That’s right every last one of us is a selfish narcissist who would rather buy things for ourselves than spend money on someone who will spend most of their lives hating us and complaining to their friends about how messed up their childhood was.

The second reason and probably more pertinent to our study here is the simple fact that we’ve seen what you’ve done to your kids and we don’t want our kids to play with them.

As I've mentioned to some of you, this book will be followed up after we have children with a book tentatively titled "Why The Hell Didn't Anybody Tell Us Our Kids Would Be This Way". Now back to our continuing series.

Jock Itch!

It sucks and I'm glad I don't suffer from it anymore than any other men. Oh and as an aside to the female gender, we're going to scratch. That's right it's what guys do, we scratch. If you don't like it, don't be with us at sporting events or any other time when we're wearing jeans. Also there is no other way to watch football than with your pants undone the remote in one hand and your thumb tucked into your belt buckle, you wouldn't understand this, you're a woman. Now that's all I've got to say about that. How about another video?

This is from one of my favorite all time movies, Lisbon Story. Sadly Lisbon Story isn't very easy to find these days, in fact I couldn't find a dvd version of it for region 1. The plot of the movie itself isn't that going to rivet you to the seat. The main storyline is about a director who comes to Lisbon to find a friend who went missing on a movie project he was doing in the city. It's a good film but not a great one. The true stars of the movie are Lisbon itself and the music of Madredeus, which plays an integral role in the discovery of the city. This song is Ainda by the aforementioned Portuguese fado band. Enjoy!


La Yen said...

Um, blech to your naughty parts itchiness.
And, I will read your book.
And, Jooj put the Mr Potato head together today with both arms in one ear hole and the nose in the mouth hole. Budding picasso.

Panini said...

Your book title and the last paragraph of the intro are SO funny! I bet that'd sell. Are you serious about writing it, or is it just a set piece?

SomePeople said...

More serious than I've been about a lot of things. We've already plotted out the chapter titles. The idea is to have Carolyn and I both write our own sections within each chapter in different font faces. If we ever do finish it and get it published it would have to be published like the Daily Show's America the Book. Kind of in a faux text book way, filled with all sorts of fake facts like "Did you know that 95% of all buggers picked by infants are really brain tissue? So when your child ends up working at Hooters know you have no one to blame but yourself."